SOS

Scraggly dogs, stray cats, lost people
In a dying world
Take care of yourself, they say
Give up my heart to protect my heart - why?
What prize is that?
What does self interest win?
Temporary comfort, the pretense of stability
The whole ship is sinking
Letting go of those who can't swim
Won't save me
It will only cut
The thread of decency left
Floating still, bereft
Nah
I'll sink in unison
Arms linked together
We will all die
But when you were alive -
Did you make another living creature smile?

Aura

Waves of heat
Stress
Dancing through aura
Tip toeing the precipice
Dangling edges
Lean
Through corners
Peripheral gone
Tunnel vision
Clench
Ativan
Loose
Like goose, space cadets bits of mind teleporting dimesions

The end

This is the end, my friends
You're living witness to
The penultimate, pinnacle, best we humans can do
Enjoy
And grieve
What pleasure left can we extract
Before this poetry exists but humans have ceased
Breath deep
You may be the last generation left before oxygen levels decrease
Splash your toes in the ocean
Before it's too acidic for feet and there are no fish left to see

Story

At every twist
Every turn of the story between us
I've refused to be what you expected
And yet
You're still surprised

  

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Nerds love poem

Would I sound crazy if I told you
That physics is beginning to explain how
We are all time travelers
Even the light in the sky is the past
Our atoms were literally
Meant to meet
You are the outcome
I observed

  

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Memories

I drink
sit in the sun and synthesize vitamin D
smoke too much
cry too much
repress the urge to flee
dreams turned to nightmares
your ghost keeps haunting me
I wasn't enough
Damnit, you suck
ripping my heart from me
leaving a cold, gaping wound
a black hole too big to fill
emotions I wish I could kill
longing that shouldn't exist
I miss your kiss

 

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Her

I remember falling in love
With her
The pleasant memories cause the most hurt
The shirt she wore to get my attention
How we delighted in quoting to each other poetic verse
How I trembled
I still do
Only now it's from anger and pain
I've been chained
Links hold together palpitating chunks of severed heart
Our impression forever maliced
Loving so fiercely
Left a callous

 

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Cull

Sweat beads, strange dreams
Damp sheets
Listless
Feet shuffling without purpose
Just cull my fucking heart
So I don't feel the beats descent toward death
Thump thump
Thump thump
Anxiety I can't satiate
Agitation doesn't change
My powerlessness
Thus is the situation
Remain calm
When I'd rather take a hose to my oppressor
The human condition
The motherfucking system
And the ecological limits
Cull my fucking heart
I don't want to watch a mass extinction
The dying gasps of life
I don't want to watch dolphins die
Or my friends
Because we couldn't understand physics
Carrying capacity
Or the need for soil, not oil

 
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Trapped

The caged bird sings
To break the monotony of being trapped and waiting to die
When you just want to fly
But can only chirp and flap
For others amusement

 
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ghosts

I can't stay
haunted by ghosts who won't be happy
until they're harassing my bones
I can't say
words don't make it easier to sever your heart
there's no adequate apology
for false hope and false starts
there's no art in seizures
no charm in a vegetative state
I can't escape
fuck calgon, grand mal take me away

 
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Truthiness

You don't get to speak
About my moral character
You know, I know you lied so much and so deeply
You can't criticize me
On truthiness
You are its antithesis
You wanted to be 'a different kind of girlfriend' to the next notch
Your deceptiveness
Is expressed in crows feet
You look tired
Old
There's no heat in your chest
To keep your skin from withering
And I'm fiddling with fancy words
When a simple expression will suffice
You're a turd
 

 
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Monsters

In spite of real monsters
You made a monster out of me
Really it was you who
Lied so much it was second nature
I'm terminally ill and I'm not disabled
Well which is it?
Can you even wade through your own fables?
Blamed me when they replicated your behavior
They didn't lie out of fear
That's the instructions you gave them

 
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This itch

'I'm not that badly adjusted"
I still don't wish you dead
I can't. That isn't in me
I imagine epic double fisted violence yes
I confess
But it's Tom and Jerry flying ninja bitch busting milk jugs on your head
Not terminator
I don't actually want to hurt you
I might be the one who's officially crazy
But that's some really need to check yourself level issues
That's whole subscriptions
To say maybe I would die
That makes my life force cry
Knowing not only does such black hearted shittery exist
But it lived with me

It kissed me
I remember wishing I'd never met you
Except
There were a few good things
None of them you
They were worth it even if it hurts a bit
And I feel a little sick
But I will more than survive honey
I will mutate and thrive
I will drive your demons behind me
Rearview mirror
Shotgun shell you out my head
Not the literal that leaves me dead
But the get well fed
Feel
Exist to resist gloriously
It's so easy to be happy ish
Without a war in me
Of pheromones fighting sanity
Asking why are you with this
Itch

  - Quote from B. Dolan

 
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Cold comfort

There's the chemistry
The feeling
Then there's the practicality
The tactics and the strategy
Of if it will hurt
How much is it worth
What will you risk
What will give
How will you live
Dancing in fire
Or cold comfort


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Sulfur

Slapped in the face with a wave of sadness
Even my badness can't suppress
It's still hard to ingest your shittery
How you hit me
Both literally and figuratively
With the cheating
And the lies
And my heart fucking cries
Little bits of me died
I'm not crying for you
I'm crying for me
How
How easily you deceived me
Is that good or bad
That I had trust
I had hope
You snatched that yoke
Nearly strangling me
And your fucking ghost still chokes my air
Smelling of despair
And sulfur

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The letter A

What ever you have to tell yourself, boo
The scarlet letter is on your chest
I had to ingest - your lies and deceptions
I didn't have the weapons
I was ill equipped - for love and war
I didn't expect it to hit me
expend me
left me dick in the dirt on the floor
But I'm through being hurt by you
no mas
no more


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Georgia

Why do I rise with the chickens
To watch well armed men leave in search of dinner
We broke bitches call that free organic meat
But judge if you must
Trees, warm sunshine, green grass and flowers
Fill my hours
Other poets already told you
There's pleasure in pathless woods
Little trips to town
Greeted by smiles of old, old friends
And the comfort of kin folk
Yet the not so distant history of this place is a yoke
The incessant interjection of isms and phobias choke
Me
They keep it beneath the surface
I'm just white enough
To have heard it

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Earth B

Live on your feet
Even if you can't stand or your legs tremble
It's a metaphor this movement is accessible
We don't leave our people behind
We build ramps and work together
Ensure restroom access
And feed the hungry
Are you hungry?
You should be. Your soul can't possibly chew enough meat
In this vapid culture
Of consumption and overproduction
Shit not needed
We needs doctors and nurses
Not insurance companies
Fuck the corporate middle man in between
Syphoning blood money off the sick and the dead
How about everyone gets Medicaid instead
That math works better
As do it's outcomes
And if you have doubt son
Travel, research, read
It's cheaper to treat diseases and sickness
And why, why isn't marijuana legal
A plant can treat 20 medical conditions
Safer, cheaper, and more effective
Than most of those deadly pharmaceutical concoctions the bastard's selling
And it's telling
That at best the news is half true
Information is now a corporate product too
But the question is
What are you going to do
What are we going to do
It's to that point
We want a future for our kids?
We will have to throw our bodies
On the gears and the wheels
Break the system that's breaking the planet
There is no Earth B
Power won't give shit
Never has, never will


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Kosher nuts

I take phenobarbital for seizures
And then do push ups
Take marinol to keep from throwing up
And then do push ups
And organize a protest
Please tell me more about how I don't try hard enough
While I do more push ups
It's exactly the hater motivation I need
Spite's as good a reason as any to breath
And really live
And give it my all
These kosher nuts!
Lest it be said that I didn't have balls

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Delusions

I'm such a delusional liar
Who you gave legal guardianship of your children
The one who was always with them
Sweet cheeks, do you realize it's not a statement about me you're making?
People have eyes
They can see I was instantly replaced
And again, that's not a statement about me you're making
This is deep south
We tolerate liars and cheats
If they're our own
We just don't look at them the same
That respect you seem to need is gone
And your new woman
Still texts me that she loves me
From my Obama phone
Because she can't afford her own.
Well, she can call - Tyrone
And I still get the text message notifications - that your car insurance got canceled.
I both cry and laugh
There are children stuck in that mess

And I do bless

your heart

 
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Single

The single one
With bread and bologna
Cold sandwiches taste better
Than lost dignity
I make better company than lies
The mirror is kinder
It has less doubt
Without you
And
"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you"
You would be a good singer if
Your insides weren't so fucking ugly
Even assholes flee
Even me
I wonder did you think I wouldn't
Or did you want me to
But
Details don't matter
The process is the same
Purge you from my veins
Reinstall
Scale the insurmountable wall
Of your memory

     - quote by Virginia Crosby

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Drunkerishness

Which is better?
Drunkerishness from pills
Or seizures
Which is clearer?
Narcotic haze
Or electrical brain wave storms
Which is closer to norm?
Which causes less harm?
Which takes less of me from me?
Phenobarbital seems like a piss poor solution
But my feet are moving when they couldn't before
I'm not lying on the floor
I know when and where I am
I can
Make it through the day on my own
My body isn't locked inside a tremor
But my mind
Feels dimmer

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Weight

I am
Who and what I am
It doesn't depend on other people's love
Attention or opinions
I can stand on my own feet
Even if they're wobbly
Alone
I know the strength of my bones
They've never broken
I will choke death and the whole damn world if it's wrong
Write my own anthem song and wave my own lighter
I am a fighter
And a lover
And a writer
And sometimes I'm that bitch
With entirely too many ish
I don't require validation
My words have no equivocation
Hear me roar
Or maybe purr
Depends on your relation
To me
I know my worth
I have defeated monsters
Walked when my steps hurt
Carrying more hurt on my shoulders
I learned to carry boulders
In spite of the slightness of my frame
I will hold my weight
And more

Momma

Momma always picks up the pieces
Pays your way out of the shit
Your dumb ass got yourself in
Momma posts your bail
And comes with the fury of hell
If anyone hurts you
Momma fights tooth and nail
Works fingers to bone
Momma answers the phone
And comes to get you
Momma knows the truth she can see it in your face and eyes
Momma lets you cry, and cry
And when it's time
Momma makes you get your ass up
And do what she already taught you

Why

Gigabytes worth of digital memories
I can't click delete
Why
Why do I keep what eats my face when I see it
Why keep what turns my stomach when I remember
That your birthday is September first
And hers is July third
Why did I spend days hearing the words
I love you, stay
Instead of focusing on your hand hitting my face
Why did I let you explain
Your lies with more lies
Why did I watch your eyes
fuck each other
Why did I capitulate under pressure and say
What you wanted me to say
For the sake of your name?

Really?

Slap that - really? expression off my face
I've been wearing it for over a week
By now I should have realized
Your cuntery runs deep
Deeper than your wondering hands
Deeper than your traitorous mouth
Deeper than the blood buried in the sand of the South
Where my two feet stand
But now there's light beaming down on me
Sheer force shoved - out of orbit
Without black holes in my face
I can see

Thank you

No really,
Thank you
You took her baggage off my hands
And suddenly - I'm free
Released from false promises
False starts
Lies
And half hearted efforts
You took out the garbage
Cleaned out my closets
I hope you are happy with the dusty bones
I hope you own them
I was weary of them owning me

Physics

Make beautiful art
From my broken heart shards
I'll mend them with gold.
Yet drink the bitter water
I need the yin and yang
Beauty
Pain
Love
Hate
Crawl
Run
I need to feel it all
I am my experience
And existence
Is resistance
I tell myself that
The only outcome is the one that was observed
Therefore I must be the winner
The correct version of me
Successful time traveler
I am distressed
But comforted by physics.

42

I've tried to refrain
From spewing it publicly in the places she, 'her' friends, and family hang - online
There's some highly passive aggressive shit
But no direct hits
Or names
It's hard to maintain emotional maturity you never had - when it comes to this love shit
I'm thinking 42, 'if possible, evolve'
Absolve yourself of this
For all its beauty when there's beauty
When it's ugly
It's ugly, ugly, shit
Makes you question why you exist
And how
Did this particular rearrangement of space dust particles
I feel the conscience of
Not already implode

 - quote by Douglas Adams

Physicality

Pretend that I can eat
Not just play with my food
Pretend that I can sleep
Unless I'm tranquilized
And even still
I wake up wet with sweat on my neck
And blind
After a few hours
Pretend that I don't feel like a coward
Or just maybe I'm brave
Who's to say
Do I feel better that there's fear
As to just how far I will go
Really you should know
Nothing's changed
I'll eat you alive, beat and batter you with my words
But in reality, in physicality
I don't have the energy for you

Entanglement

Romantical entanglement in the digital age
Is strange
There's passwords to change
And files to delete
And it won't ever be complete
Once it's on the interwebs
It's forever
Unlike us

Hands

You beat the hell out of me
I sat motionless in a chair
With only words as weapons
And yes words cut like knives
And I verbally assaulted your jugular, again
But you laid your hands on me
Repeatedly
With intent
And my apologies to your...
I have to speak to heal.

Baby momma blues

"She thinks she's the lesbian welcoming committee."
Sometimes you have to hold on
To whatever makes you giggle
The little things
That purge the urge
To expell
Your brains with a bullet
I can't completely digitally delete her
And that - bothers me
What's wrong with me
She's the mother
I tell myself
Of my children
Step back, meditate
Whatever you have to do
Try to - be civil

Blame

I've got a playlist
And extra cigarettes
And good friends who brought me the I'm sorry you went through a shitty breakup here's some beer care package
Friends who listen to my schvitzing
Friends who sit all day just to be sure I'm not
Twitching
And yes dear, everyone knows I'm an asshole
Prone to expletive explosion
Why make bones about my faults
Or hers
I'm too tired for blame
I will survive
That's enough of a fight
There's some things I have to do
And sometimes what we want
Is just an obstacle to be removed
And I'd say
For both of us
That's true

Punches

Please keep throwing punches
I need the anger
Spite is animating
A life force to me
I breath pain and anger
And take five more steps than I could before
A few more punches
I'm out the door
Free
Falling
And now I get to reintroduce myself to myself
And see
How much of the dumb fuckery was me
Whose gravity most sucked
Which was the fucker
Which got fucked

Cognitive

So many poems
Lost in the fog
I wonder what kind of writer I would be
I if could retain the memory
Of the thought
I just had
It's gone with the wind
Of my seizure
Cognitive decline is hard
When the only thing you ever liked about yourself
Is that your smart

channeling Watts

calm down and breath
"you are something the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is something the whole ocean is doing"
and that thing that just now makes you feel like combusting
is miniscule
you'll get through it

 - quote by Alan Watts

Dont cry

Wake up
Don't cry
Take your pills
Don't cry
Drink coffee
Don't cry
Drink a beer with friends
Don't cry
Ride down the road
Don't cry
Stop at the store
Don't cry
Oh fuck fighting these tears
She took years
From me

Bubbly

The font of stupid from your face
On a daily basis
Made impossible any type of homeostasis
And this is just rage I'm spewing
You have intellect
But suffer a type of blindness
That let's danger in the door
You are bubbly with happy infectious
That lights up a room
Facade
Your hearts a path of doom
And darkness
And you have a hardness I can't forgive
Or survive

Who wins

You just killed it with the shit you said and did
And didn't say
I'm a difficult, raging, asshole
With whom it's hard to live
But I'm pretty good with routine and patterns
Hurt me
Hurt you
Whose knife digs deeper
Scar me
Scar you
Whose wounds heal faster
Who is less of a disaster
And how do you measure?
By internal or external factors?
Because that matters
As if it matters
As If there's a way to declare
Who wins

Passive aggressive

I feel passive aggressive and childish
I want to do dumb shit
Just fling shit
At you
Be the bigger person
Be the grown up
Or whatever platitude type ish
I have to say
To myself
To keep from throwing punches

Josef Mordecai

Tears drip contemplating
Why he's behaving this way
I know - I'm gone
It's anger you can't contain when
The universe is suddenly rearranged in a way you can't
Accept
And I'd say
Rage on son except
I have to accept my part in this
Pain can strangle everything
Good in your life
If you let it fly out
But please don't stuff it in
That's just different side effects
But the level of the wreckage
Is equal
You have to learn to speak what you feel
To ask for help and admit defeat
When to stand and when to flee
You have to learn to heal

You never forget

Some shit you never forget
When you're driving and epileptics shouldn't
When your driving with no damn license and still
You pull in the do not enter and block a cop and say
That's my son you have
Please let me say goodbye
Before you take him away

Eyes

Close your eyes
Don't look vision is deceptive in what is sees
Feel
Gastrointernalize
Think
What does your heart, gut, and mind say
These sensory perceptions
Will accurately receive
What's real

Shit

I feel
A tense sense
A tight chest
Difficulty breathing
Every time I remember
That you are with her
Not me
Temporary blindness
I'm losing my mind here
I have no pride
I'll beg
It just won't help
I want your lips not tears
But I'll shit in one hand and know
It will fill before you leave
Her

Can you tell

I could rip myself limb from limb
Shred all my ligaments and skin
In a wood chipper
And still not escape you
You're an imprint on my atoms
To scatter them
Only multiplies your reach
Its a bitch
To love what you don't love
And to love what you can't have
My heart looks like the crab
Nebula
I've got your pictures - whose got you
I'm a sad country song
In an empty bed
How I wish you were here
The space between us the surest way to tell
Heaven from hell

Medication

This shit hits like bricks
And yeah, I don't seize
But I forget half the thoughts I think
I can barely stay awake
Drinking 4 pots of coffee
I feel sick
I'm oh so tired
Of chemically suppressing
The signals in my brain
Staring off in a daze
Wondering where the fuck I went
And what did you just say?
I think it was interesting
But I lost focus
Pills are like locusts plaguing my brain

Words

Words can do violence
They can force silence
Inject rage
Scream across a page or from a face
Tag a wall
Break a heart
Start a war
End in unjust sentence
Penetrate the best of defenses
If charming enough
Words slash cuts
Leave scars
And tattoos
Reveal ugly, ugly truths
Sometimes they even leave bruises
But words can heal
And even ugly truth is a better deal
Than worthless lies
Words can fill you up with hope
Words can release all the pain
Words can bring peace
And teach
And ease
The tension of all that balled up shit inside

Reality

Motions I'm walking through
Distance
Shows your choice
And I'm course voice hoarse
Heart battered
Futile dreams
Can't have
And I'm a sad girl
I fight against a world without you in it
But fighting against my world is no way of living

Marks

I still swallow when I think of you
Seeing your name slaps me in the face
And it's on my skin
But - I'll let it stay
That tendency to repeat mistakes
If I'm not looking at the marks they make
I've got all these pictures, videos, memories beating the shit out of me as I remember how sincerely I loved you
Let me not forget
The truth
That had me staggering
Trying to walk with daggers in me
Let me always see
Those eyes that lied to me

Unfuck

I'm smoking blunts so I can eat
Taking phenobarbital so I don't seize
That doesn't leave much lucid time
For me to create the impact I want to make
But I don't relent, hesitate, or equivocate
I won't quit
But I will give
I will love
I will feel even if the feelings suck
I will strangle death
And persist on my mission
Of unfucking this world

Scars

I've got lots of scars
Including your name tattooed on my arm
The harm from the knife and you
Are the same
Motherfucking pain
Blood and tears
And years even
Don't heal
The wounds remain

Pretense

Isn't it funny
How so suddenly
Your whole world can change
How what was certain
A promise of forever
Gets rearranged
I don't want another minute
Damn another year
I don't want the fear
That you'll just stray
You have no faith
You can't get full
I can't ingest your bull
Shit anymore
Even if I hit the floor
And know I have to get up alone
It's better than pretending you'll catch me

Done

So strange to walk around
Without you
So odd an empty bed
Sleeping with legs stretched
Not fighting for space
I'm comfortable in your absence
I've been alone before
I know that I can stand
I even need the silence
So I can feel
And I'm not angry anymore
I'm not sad
It's too late to save it
I capitulate
I don't want what you want
I don't dream like you dream
I don't play to avoid the wounds
I don't run from quiet rooms
I accept the introspection
And I accept the truth
I'm done - so done
With loving you

Poetry

I write poetry
Easier than I breath
Words can express my disgust
My disdain
I can explain the depths
I can bleed on the page instead
I can shred
The noise in my head
Verse by verse
I can hurt
I can rage
Quietly
Without stuffing it inside of me

Demons

Demons do exist
They are within
Just under your skin
That sound of hell running through your head
The bitch who raped your heart
In your bed

Break

I left but I can't leave
I'm not gone
I stepped away to compose a song
That's not sad
Not angry
A song with words that don't hang me
A poem whose word don't gut me
There's not enough of me
Left
To write the next chapter
This novel shouldn't end in disaster
So I'll plaster my own guts across the page
Until the pain slips away
And I can find the love
We used to make

Tepid

For me
Cold eyes
Tepid touch
Distant
For her
Sparks and fire
Attentive
And you ask what's wrong
While I ask what's right
I'm not in the middle
I'm watching from the side
Watching each moment
As what was slowly dies

Weight

Do you have wasting syndrome?
Is your body literally starving to death?
Don't complain that I buy myself food
Without thinking of you
Don't spew when I don't share my donuts with kids who don't need them
Did you ask me to fight to live
Or to pretend this situation is equal
Should I weigh my physical weight
Or the weight of your pacification

Wail

Scars on my arms from all the IVs
Fluids and drugs don't help
They amplify the hell and confusion
Synapses firing, body flailing
It's hopeless in here
I'd wail about it being wrong
But I can't sing
Or even speak

Art

You should sleep on your knees at my feet
Instead you'll ask me to stay
And keep beating me in the face
With the things that break my heart
You've turned my pain into art
Performance I pay to see

Decline

I'm not asking you to comfort me
To tell me you'll love me anyway
That some piece of me
Will always remain
I'm saying I refuse
To exist as a percent
Of who I am

Leave?
Loving you is like wearing concrete shoes
My feet won't move
In spite of many sledgehammer swings at my toes
In spite of all our woes
In spite of the growl within that screams - go
My legs can't lift the weight
I can't let go
Gravity - the weight of space and time
Intertwined your heart and mine
A single strand of DNA
It can be ripped apart
But nothing whole remains
Just evidentiary stains
It would be proof of stupid
If I stabbed my own soul
I won't
I'll hand you back the knife and plead
Don't cut me again

Risk

Some measure by what you give
And you do give
I measure by what you risk
You have fears the size of dragons
But I have the sword in the stone
And I will cut those fucking fears flesh from bone
Until the tiny doubt remaining
Doesn't grab you by the throat
And you can be, you can breathe
You can exist
In the space next to me
Uncertainty isn't the worst
Not taking chances is

Faces

I can see you want to touch her
You can't even resist
Your hands and eyes just land
On her skin
And I have been
A victim of that desire too
But I'm starting to feel as if
I am through
If this is love I don't want it
I'd rather say fuck you
Flee
And be haunted forever
By only the memories
Instead of the visceral pain and agitation
Caused by looking at your faces

Regret

Metaphorically speaking
I'm going to cut your jugular veins
Y'all are going to deeply feel
My pain
And yet I realize
I don't even want to
That's that shit you assholes do
I just want to walk away
But I can't seem to
My feet have lost their steps
My chest is heaving
I have no breath
Why insist on stabbing
My empty chest
I already purged my heart to survive
There's nothing left
But animated anger
And regret

Boil

Go ahead
Let me see you love her
Let me see you touch her
Let me see that craving on your face
And the way your body bends with ache
I need something
To fuel my rage
Fill up my tank with courage
Enough to quit you
Remind me just how much I resent you
Let it bubble until it boils
And the only feeling left
Is the urge to hit you

Reasons

Your dishonesty is over 9000
And I don't want to be around
When I list the reasons I might stay
The boys
Her
I don't want to leave my cats
Somewhere down at the bottom
Is the idea it might work out with you
I had told you the thing to worry about
Is when I can't even be angry
That's how you know
I'm really done with you

Lies

This little light of mine
Can't shine when it's drowned by the wetness of your lies
Your dishonesty has cost me
Perhaps more than I can pay
You were selfish to hold me just to ease your own pain
And you're selfish to leave me for the same
But I will be fine
My light's so bright it's going to shine
Even if it burns out your eyes

Charged

I can't hold you
Both arms negatively charged won't close
And we know
The fissure is gaping wide
The magma is exposed
It's just a waiting game to see
Which way the pyroclastic blow flows

Home

You push I pull
You push I shove myself
Into a wall
You push I run until my legs collapse
I don't have anywhere to go
You were the measure of how I defined home

Intestines

Love doesn't ask permission
It invades
It replicates viral
And all common sense spirals
Your brain, heart, and enteric nervous system battle
I can't tell if I want to vomit or kiss you
I just know - that if you go
My cells will scream
And I would miss you

Give

I've tried beer, weed, xanax, klonopin, and Valium
I can't push it down
I'm just jealous
I had different expectations of what love is
I can't seem to give up my unrealistic vision
That's attempt to self pacify
To convince myself what I want isn't real or possible
But it is
It's just not something you are able to give

Lessons

What do I teach them if I leave
Not to watch your heart break everyday
Not to settle if it's just not right
Not to sacrifice your essence because you should
You should know you can't be for love
Unless you love yourself
Love yourself
Enough to go if you need to go

Expletive

The poetry of verbal expletives
I still can't connect
What is the fuck behind the fuck
What's the shit behind the shit
What's the thread that bonds us together
And what's the tool to that tore the rip

Quantum

Where the fuck did it go
That strength I once had to exist on my own
Maybe I should have missed the dance and never known
How it feels to want to own and be owned
Isn't my soul mine
Because it feels intertwined
Impossible to break
We were shoved so tight
That my atoms are yours and your atoms are mine
But that's quantum
When I scale my thoughts
I realize these atoms came from billion year old flaming space dust, gas, and rocks
The universe conceives the concept of "us" as deeply as our body perceives a single cell

Fission

I am a star
I keep exploding
And the energy for the energy to escape
Is just too great
It's pushed back in
A chain reaction
It will happen again
And again
Until the fuel expires
And the massive gravity sucks everything including light in

A great fall

She ain't the cause
She ain't the cure
She might be the reason sometimes
We don't stab each other blind
She might run if she saw the rage
So we placate
Band aids when we need stitches
But it won't work
You finish where you start
You'll try and hang on
But it already fell apart
And all the kings horses and men
Couldn't bring our black ass hearts together again

Light

Tell me how should I feel
What should I say
You don't want the anger and rage defensive
So do you want the tears and pain
Do you want the sad or angry eyes
Personally I find the fire more attractive than crying
Or at least easier to bear
Should I care which is harder for you
You fell in love with someone else
So fuck you
No really, fuck you
Fuck your beauty
Fuck your joy
Fuck your fire
And fuck this noise
Too much noise...
In my head
Too much tension in our bed
Too much chaos in our life
I don't need this shit
I just want light
And you don't shine anymore

Разбиваеммя

so easy to lose that feeling
of love
desire becomes resentment
and I don't want your sex
I fear the commitment
I fear the pain
Of seeing your eyes dance
But not for me
Of hearing you sing
But not our song
I can't even
Watch you want her more
I'll end it on my terms
I'll make you hurt like I hurt
I'll make you cry like I cry
I'll break your fucking heart
You already broke mine

As if

I exercise
Push and pull
Push and pull
Keep it at bay
If I sit still with my feelings I will go insane
Go insane... That's funny
I mean to say I'll stay instead of visit
My demons have set a place
And it's alluring
But illusion
Push and pull
Push and pull
And pray the fog will lift
I don't even pray
I don't believe
Act as if...
One foot in front of the other
I think I can do this
I think I can live

Purge

Tell me how
To hold on to the rage that sustains me
Yet drop the bricks of hurt that cage me
Without flinging them on the ones I love
Tell me how do you purge pain gently
With just the tears and not the blood
The blood I need to feel
The blood flow is real and I know I'm alive
When it drips
When flesh rips
Tell me how do I heal

Thomasesque

I require animated contest in life
My energy grows from strife
My feet know motion as spite
My hands wail
My face screams
Sometimes, I'm a docile puppy with pleading eyes
Sometimes, I'm and angry bitch who loves to fight
Sometimes you love me
And sometimes you hate me
But your broken eyes,
The love...
I will rage against the dying of that light

run

No I don't want to play

Not with toys or games
The only child like tendency
that didn't get fucked out of me
is the need to run
I have quite fleet feet. 

 

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

joy

A smiling baby
A chocolate ice cream
Long, lost friends
The comfort of family
I don't recognize these as joy
There's no sense serene
There's pain and not pain
Home and not home
No pleasantries between

fight

throw ourselves on the tracks
until our bodies are so high the train can't pass
still less than the mess and extinction coming
if we let that coal keep running

#dorner

Christopher
Jordan
#Dorner, watched the news break on twitter
suspect cornered
MSM blackout at police request
an army of citizens recording and reporting
live audio police scanners
heard them say:
"burn the motherfucker down"
then smoke and flames
on CNN
the police proclaim
it was a tear gas fire, accidental, nothing intentional
and the MSM consents, repeats, lies
they executed an American citizen
and lied, they're still lying, they are lying
we know
they know
how long?
how long will we sit watching ourselves get murdered on the evening news

death and subatomic existence

5 minutes ago my heart stopped beating
two minutes ago all brain signals ceased
my sense of self is dead
I am core elements again
the oxygen content of wind
the hydrogen burning in stars
my atoms have existed since existence began
I'd limit my own experience to demand
they always retain this shape
consciousness comes in many forms
and frequencies
that until I experience, I cannot comprehend
but I can remember
If I listen to the memories
the energy
the empathy, vibrations, the physics
and the chemistry
the history of the universe written in every cell that was me
I'm not dead
I transitioned

Anonymous

Who knew superheroes came with keyboards, not capes
superpowers? Yeah
their brains can translate code into action
faster than you can speculate
what the fuck just happened?

persist

persist
keep blaming starving children for their starvation
while you cheer your government stealing the natural resources of their nation
you root for occupation
use terms like towel head and nigger
This problem is bigger -
than you
your narrow mind is disinclined to see anything beyond what your father told you
he sold you, and he got sold
and it's going to be a cold...
plate of revenge
when the other side wins
and not with guns or violence
but with persistence
the patient resistance that is existence

bile yellow blues

fuck you
I don't smile while I puke
nor dance on failing legs
you just expect it of me
I sing
a melodic spew
gurgling, gagging
bile yellow blues

list

if you know you're on the list
and they don't kill you first
lead the revolt from your cell
Make it the Warsaw ghetto
take the motherfuckers with us to hell

muse

Oh why must pain be my muse
Why not sunshine and bunnies, it isn't funny
Why's it take jail to make me creative
Why not love and happiness, my lover's caress
the curve of her breast, the feel of her inner thigh
the way I sigh satisfied in the warmth of her inside
why not the glint of joy in her lovely brown eyes
why's it take anger and rage to put my pen to paper
why's the poetry only flow from me
when I'm depressed
why not in jest
why do I write like a scribe during lock down at night
in the dark by the windows light sitting on the toilet
why not a beautiful summers day, then I've nothing to say
why can't I acquiesce and express my delight
why only struggle and strife
why can't I celebrate with song in my heart
why oh why must I be a martyr for my art

Spirit

Tarry not o' freedom
Come, quicken the pace
This is a race, my soul grows heavy with burden
My feet can't carry the weight
O' Palestine, lend me your spirit,
let perseverance and resistance replace
my fearful, trembling gait

click

When the cell door clicks
and the depressing reality sticks
you are the garbage, tossed away and discarded
you become hardened, not contrite
it doesn't matter if the system was right
or legally justified
someone's mother still cried, or their children
keep building jails and adding beds -
someone must fill them

game

my responses have changed
life, is a game
and whether or not we'll admit it
we all play
compete, for the food you eat
the place you sleep and the shirt on your back
is it stylish?
I've lost all tact
and just for fun I like to beat people
across the head with facts
You can rise to the top
floating on a sea of failed humanity
You can look ahead
and not at the heap of corpses freshly dead
slain, so Barbara Ann can drive across her suburban range
in a Rover

fate

my guts hurt
and my feet stick to inert dirt
when do we admit, our pointless attempts
to scratch dna across the surface of the earth
can't succeed
the sun supernova implodes
expands and swallows us whole
nothing, none of it, not a fucking thing remains
we never existed
existential crises complete
we become the fuel the universe eats

moan

The moan and groan
of a soul
long gone as it aches
for what it lost
the price and the cost
aren't matched
and the debt incurred
as your life force burns
will leave you bereft, broken
and choking on your own
consumption

force of truth

the truth is bold
and courage is only ever afterwards
recognized as such
it takes guts
or maybe it just takes having had enough
to not move your ass out they way
we celebrate Rosa Parks now
they beat her down, and locked her up that day

strife

starring into the abyss, the nothingness
the empty hole that is my soul
I'm curious
I want to know
Is this it? The whole show?
this mysteriously labeled precious experience of life
cradle to grave
struggle and strive
fight, fuck, and bleed
all with one hope
contribute a seed
a genetic stain, to carry forward our name
sequential helix strains
in vain
we try, we hold up lights
hopes and dreams, tears and sacrifice
as if there was a right
or wrong choice to make
for a fleck of dust, hurling through space




This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Israel License.

Once upon a writer

This next series of poems are 16 years old. Written in approximately 1993, I offer these for contrast and curiosity

Beautiful woman outside

You'll be left in a moment
with only the memory of pleasure
and yet we plunge headlong off the ledge, we leap
off the edge of a dark and bottomless crevice
without a fleeting thought of where it leads
a brief blissful moment, infinite and boundless
it has no end
It's divine beauty, blaring non-linear art
the feel of a passionate kiss
and touch of a desperate hand

cathedral

Housed in a great cathedral
a cathedral that stands against all demands
it fall
perfectly unattractive, yet exceedingly beautiful
grandeur in its wrapped serenity
faithless and fraught
yet standing in the persuasive grade of god
following its own shepherd
beside it's own still waters

candles

Can you see it over there?
that little flicker, that little flair
a dim light in the dark
a little flame, a tiny spark
over there my cup is brewing
and I am making her obscure
with all the seedy things I'm doing
to her body
in the dark
one burnt down candle here is glowing
throwing light unto her face
what an expression she's revealing
shades of shadows
surrounding us in nights concealing
Are you watching? Can you hear?
Can you see it over there?
that little flicker, that little flair
a dim light in the dark
a little flame, a tiny spark

atavism and sadness

The soul outlives the shell it's in
the body return to the dirt from which it came
and the world keeps spinning
around and around
all of its inhabitants
bustling and hell bound

want

All I want
just one unhampered breath
one mouthful of infant air
one cigarette
one smile with no prerequisite
one soul to give and bear
one love that doesn't ache
one word that will not wear
one gift that doesn't take

I'm all I'm looking for
and I've seen that face before
It's fucked and insecure
I refuse to listen
to hear anymore

All I need
just one day with myself, at peace
one hand that doesn't harm
one time that brow, without its crease
one voice of real concern
one place I know, and feel I'm safe
time to teach them all to learn
one gentle touch that doesn't burn

I'm all I'm looking for
and I've seen that face before
It's fucked and insecure
I refuse to listen
to hear anymore

nuances

I like those games you play, but can you really play them?
You seem to think you can
I like those words you say, but do you understand them?
you seem to think you do
but thoughts can be deceiving, and words can be misleading
I like that air you flaunt, and I like those looks you toss
I like that fire you have, but do you have it?
you really think you do
you act so worldly, but have you seen the world?
you act as if you've seen it, but anyone can act
if indeed you are, you do it damn well
you hide your nuances well, but you seem to want to reveal them
do you want to reveal them? how revel can you get?
do you like to play with fire? you seem to think you do
but can you really burn?
maybe your just a little spark
maybe not
you say that you can dance, well let's dance
you seem to keep the pace, can you keep the pace?
you really think you can
but your dancing with the devil and the chances get real high
and careful don't believe what he tells you
the devil likes to lie
can you lie with the devil? will you make it through the night?
you really think you will, but your will might break tonight
and the devil loves a fight
you think that you can take it, you'd better hope you're right
there is no turning back, and this is bound to last all night

breath

for a cup of coffee
or a sip of tea
a last gasping breath
your dying fucking creed
it's over my friend
but death's nice harmony

underground

never flowing with mainstream society
never flowing with anything
not a part of the continuous harmony
but quite the integral part of discord not understood
not overwhelmed by any tragedy
just overwhelmed by everything
against ethereal nothings, there's more guile in clouds and rain
never a part of anything, except the greater scheme of things
preferring just to live at random
oh the beauty of reckless abandon
up from the underground, out from beneath the veil
a flash of lightning, and a storm of hail

meteor

she dances like a meteor
brilliant in the night
and everyone sees her
dance across the sky
look fast young friends
look fast and catch a glimpse
her image won't last long
look fast and catch a glimpse young friends
too soon now
she'll be gone

eternally

my hearts love always burning
you'd think the flames would die
when all is burnt away
lack hasn't doused the flames
the fire still burns
where my heart did lie

uncouth

Dying makes one uncouth
prone to brutal truth
harsh words and reprimands
it's not intentional
just hard to tolerate those overly sentimental
about meaningless things
clinging to life itself yet
vacillating
some days I'd rather just cut the safety
and fall
let go of it all
impatient, impatience
I haven't time for waiting
I have a destination
whose ultimate implication is
I cease
and bearing such meaningless prattle
I long for the rattle
death, deceased, dead
peace

seize

just hold on
it's a ride you're on
you can't get off until it stops
when you're dead
brace your head
you're about to be jarred
leaving your nerves scarred
seize
hold on a minute
I lost my speech

selection

I smelled your name
it felt like mine
your intellect, curiosity, I thought kin selection
deflection and rejection
where I sought reciprocity
olfactory delusion and mental confusion
why do you smell like me
You have none of my traits

neurologic

a spark, flame, fire!, pain?
disturbance
shit storm in my brain
It's hard to breath
hard to sit, hard to stand
I can't always control my hands
fingers curled spastic twisting
failure to engage, response delayed
The ride doesn't stop, and I can't get off
lost, trapped, shivering and afraid
I'd rather have died with grace
or at least expediency
the fates had a different rendition
I guess that's the human condition
my body is now my prison
I don't require any chains

seeds

intimate it to me
so I might understand
there is a difference?
between a Jewish, and a Muslim child?

the littlest voices from the Warsaw ghetto cried
and echo still
their voices whispers on the wind
heard today, a resounding cry
We are Palestine
We are Gaza
We are alive

Cut the tree, dig out the root
it's seeds will spread and multiply
we will not die
We are Gaza
We are Palestine

terminal

I don't think I want to think anymore
I've long since ceased to care
rising puffs of smoke and twirled tufts of hair
coffee stains, and the monitors glare
a blinking terminal prompt
my lone weapon in fighting despair

trade

the lament of humanity
could have, should have
seems like wallowing in selfish pity
indeed it is
but also a deeper commentary
on the human condition
silent understanding, wasted potential
time equated with paper money
translates to a redundant, pointless existence
life, time, a child's first steps
traded for paper
traded again for things that are in essence free
squashing the spirit and soul of being
existentially frustrated, medicated legions
internalizing as failure difficulty living in chains
Houston, we have a problem
your maladjustment to injustice and perversion of the sytem
in which we're all expected to be loyal
good corporate citizens
is not the problem
and even if we are fundamentally fine and comfortable
our eyes see through the veneer
the thoughts might not consciously pierce our minds
but we know, we feel the cry
by the end of these lines
quite a few children needlessly died
and civilians, and soldiers in wars
and everyday people, from treatable disease
it's hard to smile
when your heart's paralyzed
fictitious divisions, separation, nations, faiths, economic systems
what you want is your brother
in this, Gods have no hand
it's a conflict between man and his nature
a crack in the matrix constructed reality
self-interest, inherent greed
are not more efficient, but a more destructive means
of achieving your needs
something to eat, clean water, and a warm place to sleep
the comfort of knowing you won't be killed as you dream
even the cat and dog exist together in peace
when they don't have to fight
for the same piece of meat

refusal

ساحاول ان لا اموت
بهاذا الشكل
الا متا ساجاهد
طاقتي تستنزف
ارادتي تحطمت
قلبي لن يعد يريد ان ينبط
المعيشة هذه
المعديه بالمرض
فما هى من معيشه
بل رفضي للاستسلام

In English:

I'll try not to die
so soon
not sure I'll succeed
feel the energy drain
my strength diminished
my heart is not in it
living like this
‫ ‫infected with the disease
It's not really living
just refusal to quit


by Shara Rabich and Hashem Atiyeh Manasra

the fall

amazing, defies explanation
so many can't see the writing on the wall
didn't the Roman empire fall?
and the Persian, the Ottoman, and British empire too?
why do you think your nation will escape karmic retribution?
you think that Jesus will save you?
he already told you
you reap what you sow
faith, religion, and other bullshit aside
the statement is true
the bill collector is coming
payment is due

Past

and suddenly, my rage is limp
toss me in a shallow grave
throw the dirt on my face
you want the past in the past
my dear as you wish, or at least
I'll grant your request
but don't be surprised when the world
bites you in the ass
if there's anything I've learned it's this
no matter how much you scream, run, hide or plead
how hard you try to forget
Everything comes full circle
and will be remembered
perhaps I'm a masochist
my preference is to keep the wounds fresh
I've a tendency to repeat mistakes
If I'm not looking at the marks they make

Martyr

I'm already a martyr to corporate greed
might as well make it official
die quietly at home alone?
with a whimper?
ney, I think I'll do it with a bang
or perhaps, a boom
at least then they'll remember my name
otherwise, I'm just another statistic
and to tell you the truth
I'm sick of it
watching those I love, even myself
wither and die
apparently health care is not a human right
but a corporate service
and only those who can pay, deserve it
I want to believe
it's just the few, the greedy bastards doing it
truth is, every last fucking one of us contribute to it
financing our own undoing
keeping us occupied watching the idiot tube
fighting over imaginary divides
there's no black, no white, no Latino
no Jew, no Muslim, no Christian
There's rich, and there's poor
which group are you in?

Free

I feel - free
knowing it's mostly over for me
I've been told that I'm clever
I've a fondness for the pen
so I'll rant, and I'll rage
but I'll never work again
no longer can I march in the streets
as the moment would seem to demand
of me - of us all
people are being sacrificed
pay - or starve, and die
capitalism cannot be morally justified
the children - men, and women that I see
are the externalities
hurricanes, floods, the rising sea
pandemic disease
the warriors blood measured by growth in GDP
polar bears - the progress of humanity
receding like the ice
the oligarchs' prize
distracted by lies
Moshiach, Jesus, the Hidden Imam
awaiting redemption
It's not going to come

Before I sign off

Before I sign off
before the wax burns down
and the flame flickers out
before the all embracing darkness
and the final lights out
I haven't seen it all
but I've seen a lot
I've lead the cadence call
inside a prisons walls
and flexed my dean's list honors
it seems like contradiction
I say am Yisrael chai, and free Palestine!
a light unto the nations
shouldn't need walls of separation
When endless numbers fight, and die to resist your cause
you might consider you are doing something wrong
in honor of my name, I'll explain
damn if everyone ain't missing the message
you bless your children, to be like Menashe and Ephraim
the first brothers in Abraham's family, who didn't fight each other
their portion was the same
equal blessing, that's the lesson
you can eat your brother's portion, but the meal will be served with pain

Fast

I'm grateful I learned to cook
at three in the morning I can enjoy
home made chocolate chip pancakes
in less time than it takes
driving to some waffle house and getting served
something golden brown pressed batter
masquerading as a waffle
from a sleepy waitress and a kid who can't cook
the easy way is never easy as it looks

She knows her name

She knows her name, I won't say it
I can't fucking help it that I still love her
she's the only one, really, that I ever loved
I can't quit her - anymore than I can quit smoking
and just like that, I don't really want to
phantoms in my memory, a persistent addiction
once it was cool, now it's just killing me
haunted by her taste, the tang of her skin
how quickly it turns bitter, knowing I'll never
taste it again

Empathy

What did walking the streets, sitting in prison
hanging with thugs and drug dealers teach me?
empathy
You have no idea what you'll do
until you're hungry with no where to sleep
and I love it when rich white folks question
the career choices of black men
Would you play the game, if you knew you'd only lose?
and what's the difference between a whore and a wife?
they're both fucking for money far as I can see
the whore is just more honest - she doesn't lie and say she loves him
Stop blaming it on the Mexicans
They aren't the reason for your low wages - your government is
the border really did cross them
but to know that - you'd have to read a history book
it's not really your fault - I know they don't teach us
but I have to ask - from here forward, put some effort into it
and those who sway and pray themselves into a deluded state
comforted by the good book
persecute and incarcerate those who look towards drugs to do it
mostly we're wretched little creatures
but even the worst among us will surprise you
if you look hard enough for the sparks,
you'll find them

Childhood lessons

Sex will get you money
hard work does not pay
don't ever trust nobody, not even your family
dope more valuable than gold
love is a disease, make you do crazy shit
you wouldn't believe
schools don't offer education
the state can decide you're too much trouble
send you off somewhere, give you some labels
that land of the free stuff,
is nothing but fables

Let freedom ring

Let freedom ring
I'm still waiting
we got more generations of bloody oppression
than generations as a nation
choking on my own frustration, consternation
invocation
Rise up and grab your arms
what they gone do?
They cross that line, they're sure to find
a soldier and a cop are citizens too
and if they ain't
oppress their own and defend them cannibals
let them meet a traitors fate

Let freedom ring
peaceful resistance is always preferred
but just ask Al Qaeda, guns and bombs will get ya heard
what's the difference
according to Homeland Security Greenpeace and Islamic radicals have a
natural co-habitation
Yeah, cause hippy chicks like hanging with the Taliban
and if you buy that shit
you might just buy the Arab boogie man

Let freedom ring
torture was not in the declaration
they love to quote Reagan
so quote how he was proud our nation didn't harass it's
citizens for identification
National I.D. card, papers please - despotic incarnations
4th of July
they selling apple pie and patriotic lead coated flags
made in China by a child
call it communist China, where's the communism?
They selling shit too, see Asia rising
buying debt and taking names
watch her beat these Wall street motherfuckers
at their own
market games

Let freedom ring
capitalism and democracy do not coincide
in fact they often collide
when freedom interferes with maximum profit
fuck the rules, change the game
legislators are purchased
legal departments writing laws
Yes, that squeezing painful sensation,
is your balls

Let freedom ring
like a pimp slap across the bible belt
worried about gay marriage and evolution
instead of blood, wars, and destruction of the
constitution
Jesus would call you stupid
trees - meet the forest
Gump, T.N.T., C.B.S. - maybe the problem is all
that corporate sponsored television
they ingest
AOL, CNN, MTV, and Fox News
that shit is enough to give anyone the blues

Let freedom ring
hello America
there's nothing left to say
if Bush and Cheney's lies and treason
don't motivate you to rise up
and retake your nation
then the freedom bell is broken
and I'm not sure what to do
but down south soldiers never give up
I'm looking for my glue, and my tape
to hold this shit together
until a new generation can arise
one that's got some balls, and some eyes that can see
through the haze of Nike shoes, Beyonce, and American Idol
and will say
Hey Mr. Politician - I don't give a fuck about your views on
flag burning and family values
the world is burning
children starve and die
wars are raging
and the elderly, and the children are the ones who need saving
not the sinners
and the Arabs are right
If you invaded our country we would sing
"By the rockets red glare", as RPG's light the night

Let freedom ring
we can do it like Ghandi
park our ass in Washington sit down and do nothing
no work, no shopping
show congress who really got the purse strings
hard to fund repression with no taxes
if the police don't go to work who will stop the rally
let freedom ring
rain down justice rolling thunder
when the people get together
they can accomplish wonders

Ode to caffeine

Ode to Caffeine

without you
I am not me
I cannot speak, dare not approach me
I'll cut your throat for saying
something as simple as
hello

ode to caffeine

without you I would be
a sociopathic murderer
bent on the destruction of humanity

ode to caffeine

Peace?

Peace?
I've heard it said even microbes hate each other in the middle east
How can we achieve such lofty goals?
when leaders of both sides are more concerned -
with pork on the streets, where human blood runs
and children walk to school beneath the steel glare
of guns

Lamentation

What's the distance between cold and hot?
buddy you think you know who you are,
but you're not
proud American?
proud of what
Waterboarding, the national sport
the state of the nation, a state of tort
turn on the evening news
hear the latest report
of where to shop for Christmas
the danger of the Mexican illegal immigrant
black on black crime
lead toys, dangers to your children
drug smugglers, paedophiles
kidnappers, the negative influence of rappers
how to invest for your retirement
smile, be patriotic and wave
boy it is a requirement
Got something to say?
No fly list, Guantanamo bay, terrorist
disgrace, this isn't my nation
where is the peoples rage?
A Patriot now afraid to Act
or struggling not to loose his mortgage
layoffs, insurance hikes
8 dollar a gallon milk, 4 dollar a gallon gas
tax, tag, and registration fee
the multinationals own his ass

מרירוס

I'll light a candle, and speak your name
say sweetly in Hebrew a blessing, and try not to die from shame
even the wretched are graced with sunshine, and even I was given you
and I don't even believe in G-d, except to say
nothing of this earth could have known
how perfectly to make, all I wanted
not even me
I have to live with it, I asked you to leave

I ask for your happiness, protection, and that all your dreams are granted
that you be filled with joy, that you never know need
and that you be given your perfect creation, someone worthy
not an asshole like me

This isn't your yizkor, it's mine
I died the day you left
I recount it every year, around this time